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The Yankees Aren’t Fucking Around

Everyone thought the 2018 New York Yankees were the return of the Evil Empire. Hell an 18-2 May stretch for the Bronx Bombers even had me believing the same. But during July I quickly began to realize that the Yanks weren’t quite there. Sonny Gray was pitching like a dickhead, Gary Sanchez was batting .180 and getting shafted by the NY Press, and Luis Severino looked like an incompetent asshole who completely forgot how to pitch. We all know what happened next. The FUCKING RED SOX. FUCK THE RED SOX.

I’m here today with a happy heart. The Yankees  have officially quit fucking around. They traded three prospects (only one of which is really promising) to the Mariners for James Paxton. The same James Paxton who finished off a no hitter with 98, 99, and 100 mph fastballs. Ladies and gents, the Yankees are fucking BACK. I don’t give one shit if it’s November and we’re all ready for thanksgiving football, because leave it to the EVIL EMPIRE to steal the show. This is what the Yankees do. This is who the Yankees are.

For a while last spring I’ll admit that I tried to convince people that the Yankees are actually a likeable team. But fuck that. I hope the Yankees spend every penny they have and buy themselves to 10 more World Series titles. I truthfully don’t give a shit if people say “Oh well they bought their way to championships.” WHO THE FUCK CARES. Championships are the pinnacle my friends and if it takes spending money to get there then that’s exactly what should be done.

Cry small market fans. This is what you get for liking a small market team. You knew what you were in for the day you declared yourself a fan of your horse shit team. Who am I concerned about next year? ABSOLUTELY FOOKIN NOBODY. THE 27 TIME WORLD CHAMPS DO WHAT THE FOOK THEY WANT.

As for you dickholes in New England, WELCOME TO THE FUCKING SHOW. You practically begged the Yankees to do this after you blared New York, New York during your WS celebration. I sincerely cannot fucking wait for the Yankees to blast Sweet Caroline every year for the next five years after they curb stomp the wild card-representing Boston Red Sox. And just wait until the Yankees sign Manny Machado and David Price falls back into his dumpster fire playoff habits. The Red Sox are DONE. Shed a tear if you’d like Massholes. This has the makings of another New York dynasty that will absolutely shred anyone who gets in their way.

But what about the Astros? Houston you have no fucking shot. You’re in a world that you can’t compete in now. Your team will go bankrupt before they can afford to keep up with the Yankees’ spending. And that’s why the Yankees are the most beautiful team in baseball. They will outspend you all and bury you. Let’s also remember that you’re in the AL West. That’s the fucking minor leagues my friends.

Now is for the part that I hate to admit. The Yanks and Sox are destined to run the majors for at least 4 years. But, take into account that the Red Sox don’t stand a fucking chance against the Yankees, and we can all agree that the MLB is the property of the New York Yankees until further notice.

My 2019 predictions:

  • James Paxton AL all-star starter and Cy Young winner
  • Aaron Judge 2019 AL MVP
  • New York Yankee Silver Slugger recipients: Gary Sanchez, Miguel Andujar, Manny Machado, Gleybor Torres, Luuuuuke Voit, Aaron Hicks, Aaron Judge, Giancarlo Stanton
  • ALDS – sweep vs. Red Sox
  • ALCS – who cares… SWEEP
  • World Series – NO ONE GIVES A FUCK WHO … SWEEP!

So there you have it. Might as well not play one game because it’s fucking over. The Yankees are going to set the MLB record for wins and break their own homer in record. And, at last, the world can rest easy again because the New York Yankees are finally back.

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