I am not sure if it’s hip to say Thanksgiving is the best holiday nowadays, but I got news for you…it is. If you are one of those “I’m so sick” bro’s who thinks like Halloween is the best because of the ‘sick slutty outfits,’ kindly fuck off. I bet you won’t suck a dick for 1 Billion dollars either because you are too straight bro!
There is no other day like it. It’s everything great about life mushed into one day. It’s would be like if dating just isolated the blowjobs and the sex and took out the listening to stories part. It’s the bad part of the relationship, so get rid of it. That’s what Thanksgiving is, take the best parts about life and then throws out everything else. Work, the Gym, Errands, waking up early… get rid of it! It’s a day to be Thankful. What are we thankful for? For Chris Columbus being the scumbag he is and kicking out the Native Americans. We took the day and now it’s our. Thank you Chris.
To get ready for best day of the year, I made a quick Do/Don’t list based off of my trial and error experiences, to help maximize your day.
Do: Watch Football; Dont: Talk to Family
You see or talk to your family just about everyday and if you don’t then your last name is probably Rodgers and there is a reason for that. NFL Football on the other hand happens twice a week. Well this glorious week you get TWO, count em TWO, full days of football. Tell your aunts and uncles you follow them on facebook and you really don’t care about how they started doing crossfit or how their son made the JV basketball team. It’s JV guys, give it up. So there is no ‘catching up’ its all BS conversation anyway, so skip it and find a couch. Nothing is more American than watching sports and eating until your button pops. Remember this day comes once a year…Milk the day.
Do: Eat as much food as you can; Don’t: Do the Turkey Trot
I’m sorry. You want me to wake up at 7am on Thanksgiving to go run in the cold? Thanksgiving Eve was last night, I got back at 4am. I could have gotten 12 hours of sleep with proper nutrition and I still would not go for a run. You want me to get in a line and wear the same shirt as everyone else as we run a planned route that is extremely crowded? PASS. HARD. I swear if when I get married I come to find out that my wife is a Turkey Trotter, you can expect a divorce on the spot, which would actually make for a great Thanksgiving. Totally unbothered, but these are just dreams.
Do: Bring up politics; Don’t: Be serious or have an opinion
There will come a time during the night whether you like it or not that the TV will need to shut off and you will need to sit down for a family meal. Now most people are probably wondering, “Why? I don’t want a contentious meal.” Wrong. If you are like me even in the slightest you love to stir the pot. As someone who doesn’t know enough about politics or care (mostly because I hate stickers) I like to subtly throw out hints and get the conversation going. Just start it, sit back and relax until the meal is over. “Hey Aunt Kathy, did you see what Trump did wasn’t that crazy?” Her response will set off Uncle Bob and now there is something to talk about on the ride home.
Do: Bet A lot; Don’t: Lose
You like money? Bet. The markets up.
Saints- whatever it is
Do: Drink Beer; Don’t: Drink Spirits
Today is a day of glutton. It’s a day to get drunk yes, but indulge in as many as you can. Let me ask a quick question what sounds cooler 8 beers or 4 Whisky Cokes? Exactly 8 beers. This will lead to a great story for Friday’s pregame’s when you let you friends now how many beers you had just to survive the family. Trust me: Hops over Bourbon.
Thats all I got folks, enjoy the day. Eat a lot, get drunk, win money and Be American!