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An Honest Assessment of the Carolina Panthers

Welp. Wow. Fuck.

My Carolina Panthers fandom gets the best of me… a lot. Like… a lot, a lot. I’ve been a Panthers fan for at least 10 years. If you’ve read my intro blog, you know how/why I became a Panthers fan. If you haven’t read that blog, then you need to go read that blog to understand how/why I’m a Panthers fan.

Here’s the deal, the NFL season is 3/4 done. The Carolina Panthers have gone from 6-2 to 6-6 in what seems like the blink of an eye. What the FUCK happened. I sit here and I write this blog as a disappointed fan. NOT MAD, disappointed. I will love the Panthers till the day I lie in peace in my grave. But I don’t know why, at this point. The Panthers have yet again been the most disappointing team of all fucking time.

After today’s loss to the horrible, atrocious, lackluster, apathetic, stupid Buccaneers, I’ve officially given up hope. Did I think that the Panthers were going to win the SB this year? FUCK no. But let’s be honest with each other for a second. Are the NFL playoffs wildly entertaining and amazing in almost every aspect? YES. Are they that wildly entertaining and amazing when your team isn’t in them, though? NO. Even when the Panthers inevitably lose in the playoffs every year, I at the very least get some sense of irrational excitement. Every fan does. Every fucking person thinks, “Why can’t my team be the 2011 NY Giants” who finished a staggeringly average 9-7, but later went on to upset the fuck out of the undefeated PATS.

But not this year, for me, and for the Carolina Panthers. If the Panthers were just bad, then all would be fine. I would’ve been following the 2019 draft projections since September, and I’d happily watch the Panthers every Sunday with no sense of expectation in the slightest. But the Panthers did what they do best. They give you this impression that they’re talented as fuck. Cam plays OUT OF HIS MIND for 8 weeks… AND THEN HE THROWS 4 PICKS AGAINST THE BUCS, THE WORST FUCKING DEFENSE IN THE HISTORY OF NFL DEFENSES. WHAT THE FUCK? No, seriously, WHAT THE FUCK?

One thing I can promise is that I’ll never overreact to one game. So what we’re going to do is blow past the abomination that was the (at-the-time) playoff hopeful Panthers losing to the fucking Bucs. What I’m going to do for you, HOWEVA, is give you an honest eval of the ‘Thers.

  1. Quarterback – CAMERON NEWTON: Let me set this straight. I fucking love Cam. He’s a fantastic QB, who’s finally gotten past his whiny-loser-pathetic after losing phase. Cam is good, and he doesn’t get the credit he deserves. The problem with Cam is that he just pulls 4 INT games against the Bucs out of his ass. I don’t get it, man. I just dont fucking get it. The dude is having the best year of his career (YES, better than his MVP campaign) but he just isn’t consistently winning. It’s not his fault, though, as I will show you coming up.
  2. Running Back – CHRISTIAN MCcAFFREY: I’ll keep this short, and to-the-point. CMC is fucking nasty, and if you don’t believe it then you quite simply have not watched a Panthers game. The guy is a top-5 RB in the NFL and I will argue your dumb ass until I die if you don’t believe that. CMC = not the problem.
  3. Wide Receivers – DJ MOORE, DEVIN FUNCHESS, CURTIS SAMUEL, etc.: Look, the Panthers haven’t had a WR core since about 2012, honestly. That’s when Steve Smith was still wrecking motherfuckers and Cam was young and on his path to greatness. This WR core is better. YES. This is the best WR core that I have ever seen for the Panthers. You wanna know the problem, though? DJ Moore doesn’t start until ancient, dusty, slow, old, aged, prehistoric Torrey Smith gets hurt. Don’t worry though everyone, the Panthers only wasted a 24th overall pick to have him sit the fucking bench behind a god awful receiver 6 years past his prime. ?. ???. Confused? YOU SHOULD BE. The Panthers just do stupid fucking shit like this all the fucking time and it makes absolutely no fucking sense. Now? DJ Moore is arguably the #1. SHOCKER. Curtis Samuel is well on his way. Unfortunately, Funchess is crawling down the Kelvin Benjamin path. I say unfortunately b/c I do actually really enjkoy watching Funchess play. The problem is simply that he’s too slow. Cam can’t get the ball to him b/c (as you’ll read in the next section) the offensive line is literally a posse of fucktards.
  4. Offensive Line: The Panthers have fucking sucked here for years on years on years. Why haven’t they fixed it? BECAUSE THEY’RE FUCKING IDIOTS. If you watched today’s game, you would’ve noticed that Cam was sacked at least 4 times in under 3 seconds. That is bad, friends. That is really fucking bad. On top of them being bad, they’re injured, as well. So let’s think this through in case your brains hurt: the starting o-line is terrible, these starting o-linemen beat out other o-linemen, this means that those other o-linemen must be literally fucking awful if the starting o-linemen are horrible, the starting o-linemen are all hurt. If you were able to keep up there you would recognize that the atrocious group of linemen, who lost-out to horrible o-linemen, are now playing because the horrible o-linemen who were previously starting are all hurt. Yeah. Let that sink in.
  5. Defense: I’m gonna be honest, I’ve always been spoiled with a really good defense from the Panthers. This year? Different story. Sure, Keuchly is good but even he has looked off in almost every game. Just watch a game and observe how many tackles the LUUUUUUUKE has missed. It’s pretty astounding, to be honest. It’s one of those things that you don’t pick up on until you watch a game. And then you watch and you’re like ‘Fuck, he really is playing like shit.’ Aside from that, Eric Reid is fucking terrible. NO, it’s not because he still kneels for the anthem. Get out of here with that bullshit. Who gives a fuck, honestly? Eric Reid suck because he’s not good at football. He just tries to murder every person who runs in front of him. He can’t cover. He can’t get in the right spot. He cant tackle legally. He fucking sucks. Aside from these two that I’ve decided to pick on, the average age of the Panthers defense is like 39. That doesn’t bode well, especially in the ‘Big-12 of NFL divisions’ with the Saints, Falcons, and Bucs.
  6. Special Teams – GRAHAM GANO: Yeah, this is for you; GRAHAM. Fuck you. You make everything when it’s easy. You knock a 63-yard game winner against the Giants like stuntin-ain’t-nuthin, but then you suck ass when you need to do anything else. Graham Gano is like the shortstop that everyone has played with that makes the unbelievable plays, but cannot for the life of him make the routine plays.

What’s next? A lot. The Panthers are fucked because they’re not good enough to make the playoffs, but they’re not bad enough to get a good draft position. Here’s my honest opinion: The Panthers need to part ways with ole Riverboat Ron Rivera. Rivera has been horribly average in his entire tenure with the Panthers, and for many of those years the Panthers have had an unbelievable amount of talent. Not like Marvin Lewis – Bengals talented… Like they’ve actually had really good players, and he can’t get it done. I love Rivera, but as a Panthers fan, I recognize that it’s time if this franchise wants to get serious about winning CONSISTENTLY. As far as the actual team, there are a few glaring needs in the 2019 draft. The Panthers NEED edge rushers. I never thought that I would ever say this. But, it’s true. Julius Peppers = old. Everyone else = bad. Plain and simple. They have good interior defensive linemen, but teams literally just focus on the interior linemen because the edge rushers are so god damn bad. SAFETIES. The Panthers haven’t had good safeties since I’ve been a fan, but they’ve always gotten away with it because their front-7 was so good. That’s not the case anymore. The Panthers need to get young there quick, because Mike fucking Adams and Eric Reid are not the answers. LOLB. For those of you too stupid to understand, that means left outside linebacker. Thomas Davis is way too fucking old to still be starting in the NFl. On top of that, he misses so many tackles and he can’t cover anyone in the NFL. Literally, nobody. ALL OFFENSIVE LINEMEN. Finally, the Panthers need to address the offensive line. I put this last because I say it every motherfucking year and they still haven’t done anything. It’s hopeless at this point. I have a conspiracy that for some insane fucking reason the Panthers just want Cam Newton to drop dead on the field from getting absolutely wrecked on a sack.

That’s all. I’m not sure if I’ll watch a Panthers game for the rest of the season, but if I do, I might provide some input. Until then, cheers to the 2019 NFL draft.

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