Well, here it is, the final day of sitting at home being a lazy degenerate. For the last 6 months I have done nothing but wake up late, watch tv, and jerk off. No this didn’t come scotch free, I have suffered immeasurably. Yeah there are a lot of tragedies in this world, human trafficking for one, but have you ever stopped looking in the mirror because you can’t bear to see the damage you have slowly done to yourself via food. Each morning as I wake, I lay in bed to wait out my inevitable morning wood so I can take a body inventory. Maybe eating the entire pizza was a delightful dream in which I could taste, but didn’t suffer the consequences. I undo the covers and tilt my head up, as I look down I see two mounds on either side of chest which I can best describe as a 12 year old girl. I am growing tits. Down the middle is a mound that seems to get bigger by the day. Am I proud of this feat? No, but the fantasy of me losing this weight and getting into peak physical condition gets greater each morning as does the scale, and thats nice to think about. There is still hope.
As I begin my corporate bullshit job, I remember the good times I had at home doing nothing. I watched more tv and movies than you could imagine. I am not the best small talker, so I was prepping for conversation topics at the water cooler. Is there still water coolers in offices, or is that a 1990’s movie cliché? I don’t know but it’s hard to imagine water coolers are still a thing. I do know this, my social awkwardness around new people will be no match for the plethora of content I consumed that will allow for the molding of opinions similar to those I am speaking with. Make friends by agreeing with people, thats what I have learned in my lifetime.
I can imagine it now. I start the new job shy and quiet as I always do. I decide to take advantage of the free coffee, I had a late night. As I am making coffee, the hot girl in the office walks up after me waiting to get her own cup o’ joe. As the coffee drips slowly, I am frantically searching my brain for the ‘cool guy’ thing to say. Being afraid to speak in an office setting in general, I wait until the last minute to say something quietly to protect myself from embarrassment in front of the others. The kitchen is on display for the rest of the office to see. Just as I’m about to open my mouth, another co worker comes by to grab his lunch. “Really?” I think to myself, its 11:30 in the morning, you couldn’t have waited until a normal lunch time? I keep it to myself and I walk away silently, but in my head confident that I WOULD have said something about Curb Your Enthusiasm if given more time. “Next time” I say, but I know I am lying.
As my sabbatical comes to an end I reminisce on the great times I had and look forward to the next chapter in my life. To cut down on my commute, I am moving out of the childhood home. The place I first walked, talked, and watched porn. I remember it like it was yesterday. I was on a newly found website called Youtube, and came across a breastfeeding video. It was marvelous, something this 11 year old has never seen. I wanted to do something but wasn’t sure what, so I just observed and knew that if I ever was given the opportunity to see a live human breast I would now know what to do.
Those days are over now as is my 6 month vacation. I am excited to enter the real world and be a real person. I am trading in my sweatpants for my hardhat, trading my remote for a pencil and my sleep for money. So while the grass is always greener, I am quite certain I was living the greenest grass you could imagine. As I plan on going to bed at 9pm tonight awaiting my 5:30am wake up, I ask my future self to not cry because it’s over but smile because it happened.
I hope all the small businesses out there are ready to receive a sales call from me.